.:.dry.:.

perhaps it's just one of those days, perhaps it's just my hormones. yeah, i sure hope those were just the reasons. there were ghosts chasing me, haunting me again despite my resolution to shut them out. i am reminded of events, people and places. reasons my heart is giving me why i should've taken a different way.

and yes, i was too weak to hold the fort yesterday. i found myself plagued with memories i've long tucked away and labeled "for trashing". I fell asleep in between wiping and hiding teardrops. I wish memory modification is already available. I would have been one of the first few people to take advantage of the procedure.sadly, it's just in the movies.

the weather was rather sunny as of late. why is it that a sudden winter chill came at this season of spring? is it really spring or was i merely imagining things. one thing is for sure though. and that is, summer will arrive in six month's time (or earlier, hopefully not) and i know my heart will leap with gladness when i finally gaze at my bundle of joy.

.:.absolutely flabbergasted.:.

everyone who found out i just got married was terribly shocked. yes i was going for that reaction, thus the very private affair. i got calls from friends who almost wanted to go out of my mobile phone to pull my hair out for not telling them about it. call from half way around the world rousing me from precious slumber (harbie, its okay. it was nice talking to you again) and tons of emails from lots of friends.

more than those reactions, another thing that made me think twice about telling the about the affair is that we wanted it to be a really intimate gathering. we are planning on getting married again, this time with all the works. but that would have to wait so we can save up enough for it. perhaps 2 or 3 years from now. by that time all those people mentioned on the top paragraph will be invited and of course some blogger friends. =)

on a different note, hubby and i had some issues yesterday. those were the times when we are not seeing eye to eye. i have to admit i don't always fight fair when it comes to arguments. we both ended up exasperated. in line with that incident. i am reminded of a poem, written by one of my fave bloggers - tomatomaria. if there is a poem i wished i could have written, this is it.

 For you, on a rainy day

.:.fifty first blog.:.

When I switched to the egoddess persona, I vowed to make that blog as the permanent blog I'd have for a long time. But when I saw this domain courtesy of a good friend, I decided to move right away, no second thoughts. I am grateful to my former host but I feel that this provider is so right for me. It's really love at first sight! hehehehe Aside from the obvious reasons, I also switched blog because the layout that you see personifies the new me. I actually surprised myself when I was going over the selection of the templates and graphics they have available, when I chose these stuffs that you now see. Over the years that I have been blogging, I always find myself gravitating towards selecting templates with not only dark but black backgrounds, and images reflecting an emptiness and a brokenness inside me that i have no name for. all the time! You may check out all my blogs just to find out.

this is the first and longest blog that I maintained but I changed it's url several times when I feel that some people were trying to get too personal. Here's a variant of that blog. If you'll check out the archive list on the bluerlyn url, you'll notice that there are months that I did not log an entry for the said blog, that was when I temporarily switched to another provider. Check it out. Then finally after bluerlyn, I changed persona to egoddess. The said blog was born out of a desire to become anonymous once again in the blogging world, but this time I feel that there is no need to hide anymore. I liked being egoddess for a while but I definitely like being aMgiNe! In a way going back to the original web nick I've grown accustomed to, is very significant of my personal life. I will no longer let other people's opinion of what I am and who I am, determine what I become. If my deceased paternal grandmother and grand aunt used to place me consistently on the spot of a second best well that's over. I don't have to live that part for the rest of my life. Things have to change. It's water under the bridge now and I have already forgiven them. Time's a changing. The little girl in me will play and laugh again. I have repressed her for too long. But now people will once again hear echoes of her giggles and laughters.

I used to have a secret blog in order to vent out, to freely lambast people i am not at liberty to criticize out in the open, and mostly to document my laments over my relationship with my long time boyfriend, now turned husband. I was then playing a tug of war over my emotions. Loving and hating and hating and loving. I decided to chose one once and for all. I married him and he's given me the best gift he could ever give a woman he chooses to love - his name. We may have had difficulties in the past, mostly because of our own undoing, we had a lot of growing up to do. And now through God's grace we have turned a new chapter of our lives, as husband and wife.

This marks a new chapter in my life, in our life. I chose you to witness the unfolding of God's loving kindness to me and to my husband. I know that it will not be a smooth road ahead, I'm expecting to hit a few bumps along the way but we will go through it while holding on to God's hands.